I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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