He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
