I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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