so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I love you. Go after that dick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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