come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
