Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We got so high we made milksteak
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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