just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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