I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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