Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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