you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
