I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
