when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
