I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do vagina's smell?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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