Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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