Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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