In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
