you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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