It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
