its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
