so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
