Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
