I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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