I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize