I am in a vortex of obligation.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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