Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
