Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
