First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
