At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
