Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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