I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's blow job season.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
