im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize