kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
