two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
