New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am one with the molecules
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
