dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
