I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
