alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
