Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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