every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
