mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
