You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize