I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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