one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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