we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
