aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
