i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
