Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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