A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize