so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
