Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
