at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
