When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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