This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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