I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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