Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
