If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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