I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
