Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
