I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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