I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
